Posts tagged stand-up comedy
To smoke, or not to smoke

It’s been more than nine months since I smoked my last cigarette.

Your body goes through some pretty extreme changes in the months after you quit. It’s like a phlegm-filled puberty with the shakes and 100 percent more anger.

Everyone says that the first thing that returns is your sense of smell followed closely by your sense of taste. I’ve even stopped coughing up strange things and I can once again hit the high notes in R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)."

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Barack Obama: Subway of Disaster

As a budding journalist and intern at a Peoria, Ill. newspaper, I often spent my down time scouring emails and Web sites of government agencies looking for interesting stories to cover.

I came across a bill in late 2003 signed by then governor and future federal corrections inmate number 40892-424 Rod Blagojevich. The recently signed bill required all police agencies in Illinois to record the race of every driver stopped by a police officer. The bill angered police chiefs and police union officials statewide because it meant a lot more paperwork for officers and deputies.

The purpose of the bill was to create enough data to study whether police around the state were practicing profiling.

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A Man Needs A Man-Sized Meal

Dear Angry Man At Taco Bell,

We both find ourselves here under very depressing circumstances. I have clearly diminished my finances to a degree that 79-cent tacos are a considerable boon. Clearly you have never heard of condoms. This is evidenced by the fact that you are feeding your herd of four shirtless children somewhere that will considerably increase their chances of early onset diabetes.

Mother isn’t here, and judging by that mustache I can assume that either you beat her until she moved away or that she is working the afternoon weekday shift at the Larry Flint dance parlor across the bridge.

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Airborne bird fathers a table tale

In the canon of Wernowsky folklore, there is no shortage of unusual holiday stories.

The tale of my father and the Thanksgiving turkey predates my birth by several years, but it's repeated so often that I feel as though I've experienced the fateful night firsthand.

It's this Thanksgiving story that sets the gold standard in my family's various tales of holiday madness.

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