Posts tagged kris wernowsky
A Man Needs A Man-Sized Meal

Dear Angry Man At Taco Bell,

We both find ourselves here under very depressing circumstances. I have clearly diminished my finances to a degree that 79-cent tacos are a considerable boon. Clearly you have never heard of condoms. This is evidenced by the fact that you are feeding your herd of four shirtless children somewhere that will considerably increase their chances of early onset diabetes.

Mother isn’t here, and judging by that mustache I can assume that either you beat her until she moved away or that she is working the afternoon weekday shift at the Larry Flint dance parlor across the bridge.

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Airborne bird fathers a table tale

In the canon of Wernowsky folklore, there is no shortage of unusual holiday stories.

The tale of my father and the Thanksgiving turkey predates my birth by several years, but it's repeated so often that I feel as though I've experienced the fateful night firsthand.

It's this Thanksgiving story that sets the gold standard in my family's various tales of holiday madness.

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